Marta By Mail

Note from Marta: I've updated my catalog to offer you an opportunity to share some of my favorite new things. Here are twelve new Year-2000 additions from your favorite I.P.O. billionaire (pre-"bear market")!

--Marta Hubert

1. Brilliant Holiday bric-a-brac: Holiday statuettes for Easter, Passover, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day and other holidays are made of real diamonds and precious gems, and will add a glimmering sheen to your home. Attached to a 24k base, they can be assembled at home with cement, precious gems, discarded gold necklaces and diamonds. Statuette kit will be delivered by special messenger in a Brinks truck to your home or office.....................$350,000

2. Autumnal White Truffle Douche: This do-it-yourself douche kit includes a quarter pound of rare white truffles (a seasonal item), bag, and special baster designed by Marta. Add apple vinegar and freshly-squeezed lemon juice for a pampered feeling that lasts throughout the day.......................$550

3. Glass Slippers: These Cinderella slippers are made of sturdy Lenox crystal, and are ideal for dinner parties or simply reading at home. You'll have to resist the urge to garden in them! Sizes 5-13................................$3,000 pair

4. Linen Manure Bag: If you have neighbors as litigious as mine were in CT, you'll find many creative uses for this flammable manure bag, made of flexible beige linen and tied with a fetching red and gold ribbon. Simply fill the bag, place it strategically on your neighbor's doorstep, light the ribbon, ring the doorbell and run. I like to carry a Polaroid camera, capture the scene from the nearest bush, and then include the shots in my holiday cards to select neighbors.........$45

5. Marta's Pocket Stun Gun: My stun gun comes in Buttercup or Pomegranate, and delivers what words so often fail to convey. Also ideal when a state-of-the-art, computerized security system isn't feasible. I've found this item useful in conjunction with my Linen Manure Bag and when hunting nocturnal animals with my Night Goggles...........$850

6. Marta's Monogrammed Mouse: Every computer user has a mouse, but few have a solid gold, monogrammed mouse. I do, and you can too....................$2,000

7. Marta's Monogrammed Pet: Marta-By-Mail employees have created a painless way to brand your monogram into your pet's fur with a special, patented balm and stencil kit. Simply reapply when your pet's new hair growth appears...................$125

8. Day-of-the-Week Bed Sets: If you're like me, you change your sheets at least daily. These seven Day-of-the-Week sheets and pillow covers are festooned with a particular day of the week so you can feel clean and organized. If you wake up on Wednesday morning in Monday's sheets, you'll know you've been sloppy. Ideal for those with short-term memory lapses............$125

9. Marta's Night-Vision Goggles: I like to stroll through my neighborhood late at night, but I don't like to tote a cumbersome flashlight that would attract insects or local authorities. I've found that night-vision goggles are ideal for such moonlit strolls, and you'll appreciate them too. Specify Poppy Red or Chocolate............$725

10. The Useful Travel Phrasebook: Most travel phrase books give you only the nuts-and-bolts information you need while traveling. My "Good Go Book" tells you how to say specific things such as, "Has this been sanitized?," "I need a personal assistant," "Did you use extra virgin olive oil?," "Do you have these in seashell bone?," and "Please wipe here." You also want to know how to say, "This is not cotton," "It's too itchy," "It's too moist,' "It doesn't smell right," and "I don't like that kind of dancing."...............................$30

11. Marta's Busy Chef Apron: The Busy Chef Apron features top pockets for a cell phone, pager, scanner and pocket digital camera. Bottom pockets are for chef tools, mints, tip change, portable lightweight laptop, calculator, credit cards, and a neighborhood telephone line scanner device....................................$55

12. Marta's Easy-to-Say-It Notecards: It's unpleasant to convey bad news. These elegant monogrammed cards do it for you, in raised italics. Card messages include, "You're Fired," "Please Don't Ever Contact Me Again," "It Would Behoove You to See A Doctor Specializing in STDs," and "There Has Been A Grave Accident, Please Call for Details." Pack of 20, in Country Cream or Sunshine...............$40

--B. Kim Taylor

This piece is, of course, pure fiction. The above is a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental and really perfectly harmless.