Ladies: For a man's enlightenment, how would you best describe the feeling of period cramps?

Gentlemen: For a woman's enlightenment, how would you best describe the physical sensation of an erection?

Imagine doing about, oh, 250 very precise, well-executed crunches (you know, sit-ups) without pause. You know that deep down vicious ache? And it's in your back, too? That's a mild period cramp.

Varied from uncomfortable pressing to viselike gripping of the uterus, internal distress.

They suck. Obviously, I'm responding to the question posed to women.

It's like your uterus is trying to produce a rusty wheel - spokes and all - in your gut, and then trying to spin.

Imagine a meat grinder grinding up your insides, then add bloating, inexplicable sweating, inappropriate tiredness and uncontrollable emotions. Yup, it sucks.

Pretty much the same as intestinal cramps-only lower

Kinda like having to take the worst shit of your life, you're all cramped up with this thudding, aching, pain. Men should try it , once.

Now the boys:

"LEEEETTTT MEEEEE OOOOUUUUUUTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!"
[Editor's note: Actually, I don't know if this is a boy or a girl.]

I had a male friend who once described it as a pleasant stiffening, like suddenly having an extra arm. But I'm a girl, so what do I know?

Swollen ...

Suck it and I will tell you.

Much like being next in line, nothing's happening, but you're still excited.

What are your feelings about visiting the dentist?

Not something I am too fond of. I am ashamed to say I haven't been for a long, long time.

Love 'em. Like to let the blood from my gums clot around my teeth. Makes for satisfyin' spittin'.

I come from a family with a sick weird love of the dentist. I've only had excellent dentists who have made it a pleasant experience. And my teeth mean everything in the world to me. My dentist once actually told me that I should take it easy on the flossing. Can you imagine? I thought you were only doing a good job if your teeth were a little loose for like two hours after. And because I love the dentist I don't put it off, so nothing bad tends to happen. I did have a root canal in ninth grade. I secretly loved it. It was fascinating! It didn't hurt 'cause I had enough Novocain to numb a truck, and I couldn't figure what he could possibly be doing in there all that time. I dug my braces, too, if you must know.

Good. I love bloody gums

Bad. Not the teeth cleaning part or the needles or drills. My dad's a dentist and while I sit there he finds that the perfect time to lecture. So not only do I get drilled, I get a talk about how I'm wasting my life.

Would be a whole lot better if they'd give me nitrous!

I love going to the dentist and rinsing gritty paste with those little cups, and having someone with rubber gloves shove their whole hand in my mouth (which I can't do myself when I try).

Last time I went I had to spend over $1000 there, maybe because I hadn't gone in over 10 years. Needless to say I haven't been back since the $1000 left my bank account. The dentist did tell me I have an unusually small mouth which made for uncomfortable examinations. I've also been told that I have abnormally small nasal passages, but that's a story for a question on otolaryngologists.

After 3 1/2 years of braces and having a total of 13 teeth pulled, dentists don't bother me. Though it helps that I have good teeth.

I like having my teeth maintained. When I was growing up we never went to the dentist, we were too poor - thank god us girls had straight teeth! I went when I turned 18 and got my first job.

In what sort of place were you raised? Was it rural, urban, suburban? For example, I've never sat in a wheat field, but maybe you have? Maybe you're from the desert, or Manhattan? Share a little taste of it with us.

Urban. Never sat in wheat, but I've been in corn, soy & alfalfa. I don't identify with either and urban or rural childhood ... I had healthy doses of both.

I was raised in classic upper-middle-class suburbia. Subdivisions that got started in the late '50s and '60s. Big lawns, no sidewalks, lots of trees. As atmosphere goes, my childhood was pretty damn idyllic. Maybe there wasn't a lot to do. I don't know. When I was old enough to get bored with "playing," my best friend and I would ride our bikes to local strip malls and buy candy and window shop and go to the movies. Hang out. High School we went to movies and cruised up and down the main drag from hang out to hang out flirting with boys from other High Schools. Occasional parties. A lot of hanging out at friends' houses. Really, I loved it and it was a perfect way to be raised. I'm not sure if I could live there as an adult. I would like my future children to have it as good, though.

Shitty little semi-rural, semi-suburban town in Massachusetts. The residue of a once prosperous mill town, Southbridge is a low-rent Worcester - which is an extremely low-rent Boston, which is a low-rent Manhattan. Yucky as a teen but okay as a kid.

Suburbs. Blow me. Slowtown USA.

I lived in a rural area, being a little fairy in the woods climbing trees, making forts in the overgrown bushes out back, and catching tadpoles in the pond across the street. It's now totally different, my parents have sold the house, and the tadpoles h [Editor's note: Oops, s/he got cut off. Sorry.]

A shitty little town with nothing to do except hard core drugs, sleeping around and wasting your life. Luckily I got out of there before I did any of those things.

Grew up in Arcadia, California, a Los Angeles burb that rolled its sidewalks up at 9 pm. You can't get much more "whitebread" than that. I feel I was very fortunate.

Born in Carson [CA], but when I was ten, we moved to a small town called Muscoy. Total white trash, but I know of nowhere else where in the summertime I would saddle my pony up and ride all day. Maybe come in, eat, play with a neighbor and run out and ride again. Sometimes my sister and I would take all the dogs we could that wouldn't fight and go on pretend trail rides where we lived in the mountains. We would be gone for hours in the wash (like the Sepulveda Basin but much larger and all dirt, sand and rock). We would race up and down the street with no fear of traffic or bad people, nothing. I loved that. Everyone kept their doors unlocked, and us kids ran wild through the streets at all hours with no fear. Everyone knew everyone. We had complete freedom and fun everyday there. Our parents didn't care enough about what we did, and thank god, we never did anything bad.

What's the most embarrassing thing you do alone in your apartment?

Pick my Toes.

Listen to cheesy girl pop music. But I don't care and you can bite me.

Watch "Party of Five," which after tomorrow night I'll be relieved of.

I make a lot of weird noises and weird faces. I can look very very ugly. Toe picking, sniffing the results.

I don't do anything that I find embarrassing. If I did, I wouldn't do it.

Well, I live in a house. [Editor's note: Sorry, don't know what we were thinking.] But my shit is just normal farting, scratching etc.

Pick my nose, tweeze unwanted embarrassing hair, have diarrhea.

I sing to my kitty.

Dance. If you could see me dance you'd know why it's embarrassing.

Have you ever saved someone's life?

Yes. Twice.

I don't think so.

Actually or by proxy? I once blew the whistle on a guy with 14 kids. A good "catholic," he molested all of his female children and some of his male. I knew for certain about five and had unconfirmed report of two more. I called the county. My guess is that I [Editor's note: Damn, cut off, again, sorry.]

No but I hope someday I will so I can tell them that now their life is mine to do with what I will.

I did rescue a girl from a car that flipped over at the Havenhurst exit off the 101 [freeway in Los Angeles].

Yes. Many times. Once or twice it was my own.