Natasha's Horrorscopes

(Nov. 24 - Dec. 24) I have looked back on the disastrous life of you Sags and decided that it is not fate nor is it the stars that account for your sucky love life. It is you. All of you have this deep dark intuition that makes you go for really good people and then treat them like shit. Real nice. Maybe if you weren't such constant assholes you could keep a girlfriend/boyfriend for once. Maybe if you said "thank you" every so often, or "how are you doing" they would appreciate you more. But you don't and you never will so I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you thickheaded doughnuts anything anyway. What a waste of space you all are.

(Dec. 25 - Jan. 21) One day I would like to see a fight with a Capricorn and a turkey. Preferably a wild one. A wild Capricorn that is. One with some soul, some spunk, some attitude. One who doesn't sit around like a brown banana at Star Market waiting to get picked up and taken home. One who isn't so damn pathetic that it makes me want to kick its sorry ass all around town and then hang it from a light post in front of the docks so it can get its ass kicked around some more by Toothless Pete and his barfly friends. But there is no Capricorn like that and so I'd bet the farm on the turkey.

(Jan. 22 - Feb. 22) 'Round and 'round we go on the never ending Ferris wheel we call Aquarians. So here's an overview of everything you should have learned in the weeks past: shut up, stop talking, try to listen more, stop talking about yourself, leave us alone and go away. You haven't been practicing these have you? Bad Aquarians, bad.

(Feb. 23 - Mar. 20) What's up with you blowing off your friends lately? Everyone understands that you're busy and you're trying to get your act together but really, come on. How long is that going to last? We all know that you're a slacker at heart and a procrastinator. Go back - way back - to your roots and be the fat lump we all know and love so much.

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Get ready, get set, your strong hold over this city has blown over. You used to be able to walk the streets proudly and pretty good looking, but all that has gone far far away. You are now as boring as any of the other monotonous copies in the city. Your flavor was just the flavor of the week. Move over bacon, now there's something meatier.

(Apr. 21 - May 20) How often do you do laundry? Once in a blue moon? I was wondering what that nasty smell was that all Taurians have following them around. You can always spot a Taurus 'cause they have those Pig Pen stink lines around them. Come on people, this is getting out of hand.

(May 21 - June 21) You Geminis didn't have to buy Halloween costumes, did you? I would really like to know what possesses you all to buy clothes that not only have not been in style since the 1600s, but are expensive Pilgrim shite at that. Did you go as Young Goodman Brown or Mary Dyer and pretend that you had it planned all along. Didja get laid?

(June 22 - July 20) We all have bad habits. Smoking, eating, swearing. Cancer's all generally have the same bad habit that they share amongst one another: going out. Give us a hand here, it's starting to make subway rides with y'all uncomfortable.

(July 21 - Aug. 21) Leos don't like the cold. Leos don't like the rain. Leos get moody and ugly when the weather turns sour, yet Leos live on the East Coast. Move Leos move. Get out while you still can ... please.

(Aug. 22 - Sep. 20) It is a proven fact that most Virgos are Lysdexic and see most things completely opposite from the way they should be seen. Virgos, this is for you: .OGA SRAEY SDNE RUOY EKIL TILPS TCA BMUD EHT. ETUC REGNOL ON ERA UOY. Nice try though.

( Sep. 21 - Oct. 22) Have you ever had a really good idea - or so you thought - only to have it bashed and ripped apart by someone else who says how dumb it is and how mindless you are for having it while the rest of the people who you are with laugh at you and point their fingers and make you want to cry, but only make you say something else even more ignorant than what you said before leading to your loss of friends every week and lack of self-esteem? Welcome to the life of a Libra.

--Natasha Lewin