Now, having served up that nauseating appetizer of "everything is beautiful in its own way" pabulum, it's time to dish out a healthy dollop of reality.  Let's face it, if circumstances provide that you are forced to spend Thanksgiving with someone else's family, partaking of someone else's traditions, you quickly realize that other people's Thanksgivings suck.

Sure, they try to be nice.  Of course you arrive with all good intentions of enjoying delicious treats and fellowship.  Nonetheless, you will soon be immersed in a bubbling vat of unfamiliar traditions so bizarre, so freakish, that you can do little else but squirm in your own filth until the last of the perversity is washed, dried and packed up in sickening little Tupperware tombs.

I once spent Thanksgiving with a friend's family and it was a hell I hope never to repeat.  Upon arriving, I learned that this particular Turkey Day fete would NOT involve booze.  I don't know about you but Thanksgiving at my family's house was little more than a turkey-scented cocktail hour.  Which is, of course, the way the good Lord intended.

Next abomination?  Ham.  Ham!  Sweet Jesus they were serving HAM!  Who eats ham on Thanksgiving?  If your family eats ham on Thanksgiving (which is just sick and dirty), let me be the master of the obvious and point out to you that it's called "Turkey Day" for a reason.  Thanksgiving is about the bird.  How the hell is anyone supposed to celebrate the oppression of indigenous peoples by gnawing on a freaking hunk of pig?  It was pure lunacy.

Of course, after dinner the madness continued and we were all supposed to sit around and chat, play board games and sip coffee.  I think at that point I did what any normal person would do and faked a seizure and scampered home to chug bourbon shooters and call my folks so they could undermine my self-esteem. 

Now that's Thanksgiving.